


The Groupchat That Was

by Agent_Up



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: 5 is a Bastard, AU where everyone is nice!, Fluff, Group chat fic!, No Slash, Texting, ben is one big uwu, but we love him, chatfic, i needed to get this out of my system, its cute, just dumbasses being dumbasses, no beta we die like men, pHAT OOF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agent_Up/pseuds/Agent_Up
Summary: Klaus makes a family gc with the purpose of Saving the World.Chaos ensues.———Gay AND European : hiBentacles : What the fuck.Viola : Klaus, what is this?5 : I don’t leave time for this.Big Chungus : Big Chungus?Gay AND European : Biiiiiiiig Chungus.Austin and Ally : What the fuck.Bondage Boy has left the chat.





	1. Numero Uno

**Number 4 created a group chat.**

**Number 4 has named the chat ‘h’**

**Number 4 added Number 1**

**Number 4 added Number 2**

**Number 4 added Number 3**

**Number 4 added Number 5**

**Number 4 added Number 6**

**Number 4 added Number 7**

_Number 4 changed his name to Gay AND European_

_Gay AND European changed Number 1’s name to Big Chungus_

_Gay AND European changed Number 2’s name to Bondage Boy_

_Gay AND European changed Number 3’s name to Austin and Ally_

_Gay AND European changed Number 5’s name to 5_

_Gay AND European changed Number 6’s name to Bentacles_

_Gay AND European changed Number 7’s name to Viola_

  
  


**Gay AND European** : hi

 **Bentacles** : What the fuck.

 **Viola** : Klaus, what is this?

 **5** : I don’t leave time for this.

 **Big Chungus** : Big Chungus?

 **Gay AND European** : Biiiiiiiig Chungus.

 **Austin and Ally** : What the fuck.

_Bondage Boy has left the chat._

**Gay AND European** : Hey no

_Gay AND European has added Bomdage Boy to the chat_

**Bondage Boy** : I would rather die than be a part of this

 **Bondage Boy** : also what the fuck is up with my name

_Bondage Boy changed his name to Go Diego Go_

**Go Diego Go** : better.

 **Big Chungus** : How did you change your name?

 **Go Diego Go** : with skill

_Austin and Ally has changed her name to Angelica_

Angelica has changed Viola’s name to AND PEGGY

 **Angelica** : What is this for, Klaus?

 **Gay AND European** : Family Bonding To Save The World

 **Bentacles** : Hey why did 5 not get a dumbass name

 **Gay AND European** : because 5 is scary

 **5** : cuz im not a dumbass get reKt

 **Go Diego Go** : 5?? What was that? Was that really you??

 **5** : yeah that felt wrong

AND PEGGY: I hate everything about this

Gay AND European: then suffer in silence

AND PEGGY: ,,,

AMD PEGGY: bitch.

 **Bentacles** : oof sis snapped

 **5** : no James Charles on this good Christian minecraft server. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

 **5:** oh wait, yes I do

 **Big Chungus** : no you don’t.

 **5** : ,,,

_5 has changed Big Chungus’s name to Bitchboy_

5: you want to hecking die?

 **Bitchboy** : No sir.

 **5** : correct.

 **AND PEGGY** : ,,

 **Gay AND European** : PHAT MOOD

_AND PEGGY changed Gay AND European’s name to Phat._

_Phat has changed their name to phat_

**phat** : a e s t h e t i c

 **Austin and Ally** : I’m still so confused.

_Bentacles has renamed the chat ‘this family is a fucking nightmare’_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments or prompts or a threat! I don’t care which!


	2. Numero Dos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot? In MY crackfic? More likely than you think!

**Bentacles** : hey guys

**Bentacles** : so funny story

**Bentacles** : I think I’m lost?

**Bentacles** : but i don’t know where

**5** : that’s the definition of lost idiot

**Bentacles** : yeah but

**Bentacles** : help???

**phat** : wait what

**phat** : ur a ghost

**Bentacles** : I am aware

**AND PEGGY** : Ben describe what you see

**Angelica** : are you ok?

**Bitchboy** : Stay calm, Ben.

**Bentacles** : wow thanks Luther that’s so helpful

**Bentacles** : uhhh it’s dark

**Bentacles** : and there are other ghosts here

**Bentacles** : and there are names on the walls

**5** : how did you get there

**Bentacles** : idk I just woke up here

**Angelica** : does anyone know where that is??

**phat** : …

**Bitchboy** : klaus? Do you know where Ben is?

**phat** : i think so

**Bitchboy** : So go get him now Klaus

**phat** : umm no thank you

**Bentacles** : Klaus? Where am I?

**phat** : … the mausoleum

**Bentacles** : fuck.

**Angelica** : mausoleum??

**AND PEGGY** : what mausoleum

**5** : Klaus are you ok? Can you get Ben?

**phat** : no

**Bitchboy** : Klaus! This is no time for whatever little spat you have you have going on with Ben! Don’t be immature!

**Bentacles** : yo shut the fuck up

**5** : where is it?

**phat** : white building far side of the courtyard

**5** : on my way

**Bentacles** : please hurry

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pop your local weasel


	3. Number Dos #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i can’t count past two in spanish

**AND PEGGY** : u got him 5?

**5** : ye he’s fine

**5** : that place was really creepy I can see why you didn’t want to go there Klaus

**Angelica** : yeah hey what was that

**phat** : what was what sister dearest?

**Bitchboy** : why didn’t you want to go into the mausoleum?

_ phat has left the chat _

**Bentacles** : Oh worm?

_ Angelica has added phat to the chat _

**Angelica** : not so fast

**Bentacles** : klaus you don’t have to

**phat** : yeah i know

**phat** : but i think i want to?

**phat** : but first

_ phat has changed their name to Ouijiaboi _

_ Ouijiaboi has changed Bentacles’ name to Ghostboi _

**Ouijiaboi** : Ok so

**Ouijiaboi** : you know how i can see the dead

**Ouijiaboi** : and all that jazz

**Bitchboy** : Yes.

**Angelica** : Yes

**5** : Ye 

**Ghostboi** : No??

**Ouijiaboi** : very funny

**Ouijiaboi** : well when i was a kid it was super hard to control

**Ouijiaboi** : (still is ngl)

**Ouijiaboi** : and honestly, ghosts are bitches

**Ouijiaboi** : and they always yell at me

**Ouijiaboi** : b/c I’m the only one that can see them

**Ouijiaboi** : so I constantly had hoards of dead people yelling at me 

**Ouijiaboi** :  you follow?\

**AND PEGGY** : yeah 

**Angelica** : sure

**Bitchboy** : Can you get to the point, please?

**5** : Luther if you don’t shut up i will kill you

**5** : slowly

**Ouijiaboi** : … moving on

**Ouijiaboi** : So,the mausoleum is like,,, CRAWLING w dead people

**Ouijiaboi** : And Dad used to lock me in there as part of my ‘training’

**5** : he did WHAT

**AND PEGGY** : oh my god klaus I’m so sorry 

**Angelica** : where are you I wanna give you a hug

**Ouijiaboi** : my room

**Bitchboy** : why did he do that?

**Ghostboi** : wdym?

**Bitchboy** : Dad must have had a reason to do that.

**5** : yo shut the fuck up

**Ghostboi** : I cannot BELIEVE

**5** : Luther omfg

**Ghostboi** : if I wasn’t dead I’d kill you

**AND PEGGY** : uncalled for

**Angelica** : Klaus is crying

**Ghostboi** : omw 

**Angelica** : Luther really?

**Bitchboy** : OK IM SORRY!

**5** : sorry won’t cut it this time

**5** : fix this

**Bitchboy** : fine! I’ll go apologize. 

**AND PEGGY** : and cheer him up

**AND PEGGY** : and buy him candy

**Bitchboy** : yeah ok

**Oiujiaboi** : Guys it’s fine

**Ouijiaboi** : and to answer the question, 

**Ouijiaboi** : he wanted me to get over my ‘fear of the dead’

**Ouijiaboi** : as if that was the way to do it.

**AND PEGGY** : are you ok?

**Ouijiaboi** : I think I will be

**Angelica** : all right everyone upstairs for cuddles and a movie pronto.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Go Diego Go** : What did I miss?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments or I’ll cry at you and that is a threat


	4. 四

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was raised on Hairy Mclairy

**Bitchboy** : hey guys.

**Bitchboy** : how do you change your name?

**Go Diego Go** : with skill

**Bitchboy** : Diego I’m being serious

**Ghostboi** : with skill

**Ouijuaboi** : with skill

**5** : with skill

**AND PEGGY** : with skill

**Angelica** : y’all are mean im gonna tell him

**5** : if you tell him I’ll slit your throat

**AND PEGGY** : um that’s my line?

**5** : ,,,

**Go Diego Go** : oh my god

**Ouijiaboi** : afksgdkshdhg

**Ouijiaboi** : I’m crying

**Ouijiaboi** : vanya ur hilarious

**AND PEGGY** : too soon?

**Bitchboy** : Yes. You shouldn’t joke about things like that

**5** : lmao

**5** : vanya ily

**Ouijiaboi** : omg Ben was so done he poofed away

**AND PEGGY** : Allison I’m sorry

**Angelica** : no your timing was good

**Bitchboy** : guys you’re being inappropriate

**5** : and just for that

_5 has changed Bitchboy’s name to ILOTM_

**ILOTM** : what does that mean

**Ghostboi** : I lived on the moon I think?

**Ouijiaboi** : BEN UR BACK!!!! <333

**ILOTM** : that’s honestly not so bad

**AND PEGGY** : I think that’s the point

**ILOTM** : oh ok?

**ILOTM** : still idk if I like it

**AND PEGGY** : new plan

_AND PEGGY changed ILOTM’s name to Hairy Mclairy_

**Ouijiaboi** : lol v ur so smart

**Angelica** : hairy mclairy??

**Ghostboi** : kids book about a dog

**5** : from Australia I think??

**Hairy Mclairy** : This is mean. Someone please change it.

**5** : no

**Angelica** : No

**AND PEGGY** : no

**Ouijiaboi** : инет

**Ghostboi** : 不

**Go Diego Go** : oh languages? Ok

**Go Diego Go** : non hon hon baguette

**5** : What

**Hairy Mclairy** : guys please I’m serious.

**Hairy Mclairy** : I will find you all

**Ouijiaboi** : you know I have to go

**Angelica** : I forgot I have something to do ok bye

**AND PEGGY** : I have rehearsal

**5** : bye.

**Go Diego Go** : come anywhere near me I will shank you

**Hairy Mclairy** : I hate you all.

**5** : Duly noted.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so! The reason Allison is Angelica is because the actress pas part of the Hamilton ensemble on broadway but! On the west coast run I saw her play Angelica and she was INCREDIBLE!!!  
> Like Satisfied? Wow. I cried. She was magical.


	5. FIVE

**5** : ok I’m bored.

_5 has changed Ouijiaboi’s name to h_

_5 has changed Ghostboi’s name to h_

_5 has changed Angelica’s name to h_

_5 has changed AND PEGGY’s name to h_

_5 has changed Hairy Mclairy’s name to h_

_5 has changed Go Diego Go’ name to h_

**h** : what is this?

 **5** : get ready

_5 has changed h’s name to I set the fridge on fire_

_5 has changed h’s name to I locked Diego in the boiler room_

_5 has changed h’s name to I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows_

_5 has changed h’s name to I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows_

_5 has changed h’s name to I dented the limo_

_5 has changed h’s name to I stole our birth certificates_

**5** : let the games begin

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : 5 What the hell? What is this???

 **I set the fridge on fire** : I’m confused but I don’t wanna say who I am cuz you guys’ll get mad at me

 **I dented the limo** : how does 5 know all this?

 **5** : I’m not telling you that what kind of idiot do you take me for?

 **I stole our birth certificates** : ok so now I wanna know who everyone is

 **I stole our birth certificates** : but I can’t let you know who I am fuckkk

 **I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : wait which klaus eyebrow incident are we talking about?

 **5** : there are multiple klaus eyebrow incidents??

 **I set the fridge on fire** : there have been 3 more since you left

 **5** : klaus you dumbfuck??

 **I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : wait so if this is the first eyebrow incident then

 **I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : I’m Diego

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : hi Diego please don’t kill me

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : also aren’t you afrai Klaus will get mad at u??

 **I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : nah because

 **I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : Hey!! @ Klaus!

 **I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : yo

 **I dented the limo** : wait

 **I dented the limo** : klaus you shaved off your own eyebrows??

 **I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : maybe?

 **I set the fridge on fire** : why??

 **I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : it was a good idea at the time

 **I stole our birth certificates** : no it wasn’t

 **I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows** : no it wasn’t

 **5** : Ok so Klaus and Diego are out.

_5 has changed I shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows’ name to Diego_

_5 has changed I also shaved off Klaus’ eyebrows’ name to Klaus_

**Klaus** : Aww Yee

 **I dented the limo** : Wait, someone actually STOLE our birth certificates??

 **I stole our birth certificates** : I wanted to see what names dad adopted us under. (Hint, it was numbers)

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : wow that’s cold

 **Diego** : so YOU locked me in the boiler room that one time?!

 **Diego** : I was in there for four hours!!

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : it was a accident! The door locks automatically!!

 **Diego** : I’m gonna find you

 **Diego** : and I’m gonna kill you

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : 5 protect me

 **5** : no.

 **Klaus** : harsh

 **Diego** : Also WAIT

 **I dented the limo** : oh no

 **Diego** : I GOT BLAMED FOR THE LIMO THING

 **Diego** : SHOW YOURSELF

 **Diego** : IM SO PISSED RN

 **I dented the limo** : I’m sorry!

 **Diego** : I DONT CARE!!

 **Diego** : at least w Vanya I know it was an accident and not COWARADICE!!

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : wait

 **I locked Diego in the boiler room** : you knew it was me

 **Diego** : no one else would apologize for a accident

 **Klaus** : that;s true

 **I set the fridge on fire** : true true

 **5** : Allison might, but not with the exclamation marks

_5 has changed I locked Diego in the boiler room’s name to Vanya_

**5** : ok so that leaves Luther, Allison, and Ben

 **Vanya** : I’m gonna guess Allison for the birth certificate thing

 **I stole out birth certificates** : I can neither confirm nor deny

 **5** : i can confirm

 **I stole out birth certificates** : FIVE!!

 **5** : get reKt

_5 has changed I stole our birth certificates’ name to Allison_

**Allison** : I still don’t understand the point of this 5

 **5** : i was bored, that’s point enough

 **Vanya** : hay Allison can i see my certificate??

 **Allison** : ya I’m in my room

 **Vanya** : omw

 **I set the fridge on fire** : And then there were two…

 **Diego** : ok so either Ben or Luther dented the limo

 **Diego** : which one do i kill first?

 **Allison** : do we need to have that ‘dont kill family members’ talk again?

 **Vanya** : wait how many times have you given diego that talk again??

 **Klaus** : 8

 **Klaus** : (i keep track)

 **Diego** : i thought it was less

 **Diego** : ANYWAY

 **Diego** : you two have gone suspiciously quiet…

 **I dented the limo** : you threatened to kill us

 **I dented the limo** : is it really that suspicious?

 **Diego** : uhhhh yeah super suspish

 **5** : how is this taking so long??

 **5** : Diego, I know it’s not your strong suit but think

 **5** : out of Ben and Luther…

 **Diego** : ,,,

 **Diego** : ,,,

 **Diego** : Luther you son of a bitch

 **I dented the limo** : please don’t hurt me

 **Diego** : I’m gonna find you

 **5** : he’s in his room

 **I dented the limo** : five I stg

 **5** : get reKt

_5 has changed I dented the limo’s name to Luther_

**Luther** : shit

 **I set the fridge on fire** : so do I win??

 **Klaus** :  Ben How did you set the FRIDGE on FIRE???

 **I set the fridge on fire** : no fkin clue my man

 **Klaus** : checks out

_I set the fridge on fire has changed their name to Winner_

_Klaus has changed Winner’s name to Weiner_

**Weiner** : you know what

 **Weiner** : I’ll take it

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts make me write faster just saying  
> Hint hint  
> Cough cough


	6. Shishter Shix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Think you for all the prompts you gave me on the last chapter! It made me so happy!!  
> I would like to thank Boxesofboxes for their marvellous prompt:  
> How about everyone keeps making up increasingly wild shit that "happened after 5 left" and "didn't make it throught the edit" of vanyas book?
> 
> I hope I did it justice!!

[ AN // I’m getting bored of the same groupchat. Let’s change that, shall we?]

 

**Weiner created a groupchat.**

**Weiner has added Klaus to the chat**

**Weiner has added Vanya to the chat**

**Weiner has added Diego to the chat**

**Weiner has added Allison to the chat**

**Weiner has added Luther to the chat**

_Weiner has named the chat Messing With 5_

_Weiner has changed his name to Ben_

**Klaus** : hey ben

**Klaus** : we already have a gc

**Allison** : also u forgot 5

**Ben** : i did not

**Ben** : this gc is specifically for messing w 5

**Luther** : But that’s mean!

**Ben** : die mad about it.

**Klaus** : oh worm?

**Vanya** : worm

**Allison** : ANYWAY

**Allison** : ben whats this about?

**Ben** : well 5 hasn’t been here

**Ben** : for a WHILE

**Ben** : so he’s missed ALOT

**Ben** : and all he really has to go off of is vanyas book

**Ben** : so

**Ben** : that means that whatever we Say happened

**Ben** : happened fr

**Klaus:** but he doesn’t know that!

**Ben** : you’ve just earned yourself a cookie my man

**Luther** : So, what? We’re just going to lie to our brother?

**Vanya** : yes

**Ben** : Abso-fukin-lutely

**Klaus** : the asshole had it coming,,,

**Diego** : so what do you want us to do

**Ben** : make up bs st ories from our childhood and everyone else goes along w it

**Vanya** : but that can't too obvious or too often

**Diego** : Everyone got it?

**Allison** : Ye

**Vanya** : Yes!

**Ben** : hell yeah

**Klaus** : yell heah

**Ben** : klaus you dumbfuck

**Allison** : Luther you in?

**Luther** : I guess.

**Klaus** : awesome!

**Klaus** : If anyone has any objections; speak now or forever hold your peace.

**Klaus** : …

**Klaus** : ...

**Klaus** : we are good to go!

**Vanya** : Ready?

**Ben** : Break

 

[ AN // Back to the old gc!!]

 

**Klaus** :  hey do y’all rmember that time I let twelve snakes loose in the house??

**Vanya** : oh yeah lol

**Allison** : didn’t you only find 10

**5** : whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

**Ben** : SOmetimes i can hear the wall hiss its terrifying every time

**Luther** : I still can't believe you did that! Dad was so mad.

**5** : whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

**Klaus** : oh right! 5. Doesn’t know

**Diego** : it was a nightmare

**Diego** : we were 15 i thnk

**Diego** : and they were just THERE

**Diego** : in the WALLS

**Diego** : in the goddamn WALLS

**Vanya** : and the vents

**Allison** : the ceiling fans

**Luther** : the dishwasher...

**Allison** : the  f reaking dishwasher thing that was hilarious!!!

**Klaus** : so yeah anyways

**Klaus** : I found the two we missed…

**Klaus** : they died

**Diego** : fat oof

**Vanya** : *phat oof

**5** : whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

**Klaus** : also apparently snake ghosts can fly

**Ben** : there were snake ghosts,, hovering,, in the FUCKING air

**Klaus** : it was a really nice morning wake up.

**Klaus** : anywho

**Klaus** : I’m going back to sleep

**5** : whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be revisiting this in later chapters I think so if you liked that then you’re in luck!
> 
>  
> 
> leave me comments or i will Cry


	7. Sevón oui oui hon hon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in two days??  
> It won’t happen again I guarantee  
> Actually it might don’t trust me

**5** : Where’s Klaus?

**Vanya** : it’s 3 in the morning

**5** : where’s Klaus?

**Diego** : hes probably sleeping

**5** : hes not in his room

**Diego** : then he snuck out with ben he does it all the time 

**Diego** : its ok 5

**5** : Hes not in his bed

**5** : where’s Klaus

**5** : hes not here

**Vanya** : whats wrong 5??

**5** : Klaus is missing

**Vanya** : like Diego said he probably just went out

**Diego** : 5 calm down its ok

**5** : no its not he can't be out that was the deal

**Allison** : why are you all up??

**Vanya** : what deal 5?

**Diego** : 5 where are you

**Allison** : 5 klaus leaves all the time

**Allison** : dont worry abt it

**Vanya** : 5 what deal

**5** : Klaus and I have a deal that he doesn’t leave at night without telling me

**5** : i have one with Diego too

**Diego** : yeah 5 checks on us when we’re sleeping too

**Allison** : ...

**Diego** : did none of you know that??

**5** : If i hear one word about that i will slaughter all of you 

**5** : now back to the thing

**5** : WHERES KLAUS

**Vanya** : Allison and I will check the house

**Diego** : I’ll check nearby restaruants

**Diego** : and dumpsters

**Diego** : he couldn’t have gotten far

**Allison** : 5 its ok we’ll find him

**5** : no its not he has to be here

**5** : i can’t do this again

**Vanya** : I’m coming to check on 5

**Vanya** : Guys shit i think hes having a panic attack

**Vanya** : i dont know what o do

**Diego** : ask if you can touch him and hold hi hand

**Diego** : squeeze it in time with your breaths

**Diego** : tell him to match those

**Diego** : reassure him that ur real and here

**Vanya** : i think its working

**Allison** : i found Klaus

**Allison** : he’s sleeping in the cell in the basement

**Diego** : I’m on my way back

**Vanya** : hes not hyperventilating anmore

**Vanya** : but hes staring into space and not responding

**Vanya** : hes rocking back and forth

**Vanya** : guys hes literally catatonic

**Allison** : I’m brining klaus up that should help

**Diego** : I’m here coming up

**Diego** : Allison ill take Klaus we can handle it

**Diego** : we can't crowd him

**Allison** : got it. V and I can make hot chocolate

 

[ oOOoOoooOoOOOoOo time is passing oooOOoOoOoOOooOo ]

 

**Vanya** : is he ok??

**Diego** : yeah he calmed down and Klaus summoned Ben

**Diego** : i think were all good

**Klaus** : is the hotchoc ready?

**Vanya** : yea

**Klaus** : on our way down

 

[ ooOOoOOooooOooOO more time is passing oOOoOoOghostnoisesOooOoO ]

 

**Allison** : so

**Allison** : there’s a lot to unpack there,,,

**5** : can we talk about this in the day time??

**Allison** : oh yeah its 4 in the am gn

 

[ OOoOOoOoO look at all this time passing OOoOOoooO its passing like wind OOooO wait no ]

 

**Allison** : can we talk now?

**5** : no

**Vanya** : :(

**5** : ,,, fine

**Vanya** : :)

**Allison** : ok so first, 5 you check on us at night?

**5** : i can neither confirm nor deny

**Klaus** : i can confirm

**5** : shut

**Diego** : he says he does it to make sure were ok

**Diego** : he feels our pulse and shit its no harm

**5** : Diego your ruining my cool guy image

**Vanya** : your cool guy inmage?

**5** : next question

**Allison** : back to the point,,,

**5** : hnnggngh yes i check on you at night

**5** : just to make sure youre all still breathing

**5** : it not a big deal

**Klaus** : ok we can move on

**5** :  thank

**Vanya** : so why was Klaus in the basement

**Klaus** : uhhhh

**Klaus** : no ghosts in the basement

**Allison** : oh honey... 

**Vanya** : do you know why?

**Klaus** : I do not but I can bring Ben down so that’s nice

**Klaus** : does anyone mind if I sleep there sometimes?

**Vanya** : Go ahead

**Diego** : I’ll find you an extra matress later we can move it down

**Klaus** : So 5 if im not in my bed I might be down there

5: ok thanks

**Diego** : heyyy

**Diego** : wait a sec

**Diego** : did all that really not wake l*ther?

**Allison** : did you just censor Luther’s name

**Diego** : as god intended

**Klaus** : oh no l*ther sleeps like a rock

**5** : can confirm

**Vanya** : how do you know that?

**Klaus** : ,,,

**Vanya** : What did you two do

**5** : nothing you can prove

**Vanya** : yeah ok,,,

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me your weirdest threats


	8. Sk8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!!!  
> Thanks to Nightnite‘s prompt:  
> please i beg with all my heart;;;; make vanya lesbean and please for the love of god — shame L&A for weird incest
> 
> I hope you like it!!!!
> 
> PS. L*ther and Allison aren’t a thing in my universe so were all good

**Vanya** : holy fUCK

 **Vanya** : guys fucking heLP ME

 **Luther** : whats wrong?? Is it an emergency

 **Vanya** : YES

 **Diego** : Whats going on?

 **Vanya** : I have a date and I don’t know what to WEAR

 **Diego** : that’s what you consider n emergency

 **Vanya** : so what if i do

 **Vanya** : now back to the point

 **Klaus** : I’m here!!! I’m ready to help

 **Allison** : what are you doing on the date??

 **Vanya** : i dont know!!! she hasn’t told me! It’s supposed to be a surpriseee

 **Diego** : waiittt…

 **Diego** : she?

 **Vanya** : ...yes?

 **Ben** : do we know her?

 **Vanya** : Helen Cho (first chair)

 **5** : oh i like her

 **Vanya** : you’ve never met her??

 **5** : she has an aura that i can identify with

 **Diego** : what’s she like?

 **Vanya** : kind sarcastic witty mean but not really

 **Vanya** : and fucking HOT

 **Vanya** : hnngggg guys I’m so gay

 **Allison** : lol

 **Ben** : us: who are you dating

 **Ben** : 7: hnngg,, girls,,, g, gay,,,, preeetttyyy

 **Vanya** : true true

 **Klaus** : PHAT MOOD

 **Klaus** : but also outfits??

 **Vanya** : right!! Ok so…

_Vanya sent an image! datemedatemeplease.jpg_

**Vanya** : ok so the dress and jacket…

_Vanya sent an image! fuckkkk.jpg_

**Vanya** : or the pants and pretty blouse

 **Allison** : oh my godddd they’re both so cute!!!

 **Klaus** : get it V!

 **Klaus** : 10/10 would smash if u weren’t my sister

 **Vanya** : thanks?? Klaus??

 **Klaus** : welc

 **Allison** : uggh they’re both so nice

 **Vanya** : right??!? And the dress has pockets

 **Allison** : SHUT UP

 **Klaus** : OH MY GOD BEST DRESS

 **Ben** : but you look more comfortable in the pants

 **Vanya** : that true...

 **5** : wear the pants and blouse with the jacket from the dress

 **Klaus** : …

 **Allison** : ,,,

 **Vanya** : 5 ur a genIUS

 **5** : yes

 **Allison** : I’m coming to you for everything from now on 5

 **5** : im down

 **Klaus** : me too!!!!

 **5** : and suddenly I’m filled with regret

 **Vanya** : ok thank you 5 i love you i gotta go byeeeee <3333

 **5** : VANYA WAIT

 **Vanya** : WHAT

 **5** : what shoes are you wearing?

 **Vanya** : …

 **Vanya** : shit

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m feeling sad so tell me your best jokes uwu


	9. NEIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> owo? whats this?

DIRECT MESSAGES     KLAUS ——> BEN

 

 **Klaus** : holy shit

 **Klaus** : holy mcfucking shit

 **Klaus** : you saw thet right

 **Klaus** : I’m not high rn??

 **Ben** : Ye s i saw it

 **Ben** : why r u texting me were in the same room

 **Klaus** : if I open my mouth rn i will Scream

 **Ben** : that s fair

 **Klaus** : now back to the thing

 **Klaus** : you saw that right??? I’m not going crazy

 **Ben** : i saw you levitate

 **Klaus** : I FREAKING LEVITATED

 **Ben** : and I saw you levitate things

 **Klaus** : AND I FREAKING LEVITATAED SOME BOOKS

 **Klaus** : what if that’s my thing

 **Klaus** : i can levitate books

 **Ben** : orrrr you could make other things float

 **Ben** : try that??

 **Klaus** : smort gimme a sec

 **Klaus** : OHLY FCUK

 **Klaus** : ADSJHBAGIBSOPBSNUFJHVFHJDSGFHFGFH

 **Ben** : you broke the lamp

 **Klaus** : i am AWARE ben thank you

 **Ben** : wait...

 **Klaus** : wait….

 **Ben** : are you thinking what im thinking b2???

 **Klaus** : i think i might be b1

 **Klaus** : :)))))))

 **Ben** : dont do that

 **Klaus** : :(((((((

 **Ben** : that’s honestly worse

 **Klaus** : :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was short but the next chapter is coming sooooonnnnnn....
> 
>  
> 
> comment you favourite song and you least favourite and I’ll guess which is which and why I think so


	10. 十(t)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 十 is pronounced shi  
> 十T  
> I’m hilarious

**5** : alright which one ov you dipshits did it???

 **Vanya** : did what?

 **5** : someone moved everything like a foot to the left in the living room

 **5** : i keep teleporting into shit

 **Diego** : that’s hilarious

 **5** : you’ve just made yourself a suspect

 **5** : i expect you to get your estate in order and say goodbye to your loved ones

 **Klaus** : but you dont know he did it???

 **5** : well you know the saying

 **5** : guilty until proven innocent

 **Diego** : thats,,, not the saying,,,

 **5** : stfu i know the law

_Ben has changed 5’s name to I know the law_

**I know the law** : you will die first

 **Ben** : can't kill me im already dead asshole

 **Ben** : get reKt

 **I know the law** : THATS MY FUCKINF THING I SWEAR TO GOT I WILL CUT YOU

 **I know the law** : I WILL FIND A WAY

 **Ben** : I’ve made a grave mistake

 **Klaus** : hehe *grave* mistake

_Klaus has changed Ben’s name to Gravy_

**Gravy** : gravy??

 **Klaus** : im hongry

 **Gravy** : thats fair

_I know the law has changed their name to I am the law_

**I am the law** : NOW BAKC TO MY THING

 **I am the law** : it can't be vanya bc she just wouldn’t

 **Vanya** : that is correct

 **I am the law** : it can't be ben bc hes dead

 **Gravy** : yeee

 **Allison** : are you really playing the death card ben

 **Gravy** : i dont have any other card to play!!

 **I am the law** : it can't be klaus bc he has noodle arms

 **Klaus** : finally my complete lack of muscle mass is an advantage

 **Gravy** has changed Klaus’ name to Noodle

 **I am the law** : Allison has too much dignity to do this

 **Allison** : thanks??

 **I am the law** : Diego might have done it but ik he got stabbed 3 days ago and can't move

 **Diego** : i can so move!!

_I am the law has changed Diego’s name to Stabby McStabface_

**Stabby McStabface** : I resent that

 **I am the law** : do I care?

 **I am the law** : no

 **Stabby McStabface** : die

 **I am the law** : anyways L*ther isn’t smart enough to come up w this BUT hes the only one storng enough to move the fridge

_Gravy has changed Luther’s name to Storng_

**Noodle** : they moved the fridge??!

 **I am the law** : a solid foot and a half

 **I am the law** : and theresno marks on the floor so they must have picked it up

 **I am the law** : so that brings luhavbwivaefpu9albucliub

 **Noodle** : 5??

 **Allison** : FIVE?!

 **Vanya** : 5 r u ok??

 **Gravy** : oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead

 **Klaus** : they killed him before he could snitch

 **Allison** : who?

 **Noodle** : What are you a cop? Some narc? Think im gonna tell an someone like a 3 yo? Huh? Think I’m gonna crack under pressure? I’m gonna pee my pants? Huh? Is that what you think of me? That I’m weak? I’m a coward? Like chicken little?

 **Vanya** : i kno u r but what am I?

 **Noodle** : shut your fuck

 **I am the law** : someone therw a book at me

 **Allison** : oh no! Are you ok? Who did it?

 **I am the law** : I didn’t see them

 **I am the law** : but I’ll be ready if they return

 **I am the law** : gonna get em

 **Storng** : Hey!

 **Storng** ; who just did that?

 **Noodle** : o shit it’s luther waddup luther

 **Vanya** : did what

 **Storng** : Someone threw a book at me!

 **Noodle** : ITS A BOOK PLAGE

 **Noodle** : plage

 **Noodle** : plauge

 **Gravy** : take your time

 **Noodle** : plageu

 **Noodle** : plague

 **Noodle** : !!!

 **Noodle** : ITS A BOOK PLAGUE

 **Noodle** : dumbass fkin word

 **Vanya** : who is htting people w books?!

 **Noodle** : RIDLSIV I JUST GOT HIT

 **I am the law** : did you see who did it??

 **Noodle** : i was looking at my phone and I looked up and a saw the great gatsby

 **Noodle** : Ben did u th em??

 **Gravy** : im sorry I was too busy laughing to see who did the dirty

 **Stabby McStabface** : don’t phrase it like that

 **I am the law** : i think that whoeve is throwing books is the same person who moved the funateure

 **Stabby McStabface** : ow holy fuck

 **Stabby McStabface** : ok what the shit

 **Stabby McStabface** : a book just came FLYING around the corner like it turned in midair but thets MY THFING I don’t understandddddd

 **I am the law** : how do we know you didn’t throw it

 **Noodle** : no I can confirm I saw it it was really funny

 **Allison** : so what I’m hearing is we’re no where closer to finding out who it is and I could be next

 **I am the law** : unfortunately

 **I am the law** : yes

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today my friend put ketchup in my sushi bc I called her an omega  
> I typed this up on my phone and now if I type s autocorrect says Stabby and then immediately McStabface so that’s great.  
> Leave me a comment or you’re an omega!!


	11. 111111!111!11!!1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi I’m really sorry for the lack of updating my heart said Write but by brain said Sorry We’re Illiterate Now

**Noodle** : hey guys

**Noodle** : i have a confession to make

**Noodle** : its really important to me

**Noodle** : and I need you to understand that its who i am

**Noodle** : i dont want you to look at me differently because of this

**I am the law** : Klaus we kno you’re gay

**Noodle** : no its not that you fuck

**Allison** : Klaus, whatever it is we support you

**Storng** : we love you Klaus

**Noodle** : and you promise you won’t get mad?

**Vanya** : pinkie promise

**Stabby McStabface** : we’ll support you, whatever it is.

**Noodle** : ok

**Noodle** : I,,,

**Noodle** : Moved the fridge and hit people with books

**Noodle** : ok cool you PROMISED you wouldn’t get mad

**I am the law** : only Vanya pr omised

**Gravy** : KLAUS you done goofed

**Noodle** : well fuck

**Storng** : You hit me with a book!

**I am the law** : im so PISSED rn 4 i stg

**Noodle** : hey! Don’t swear to god she doesn’t deserve that

**I am the law** : Klaus i will kill you

**I am the law** : whare are you

**Noodle** : i am nowhere and everywhere

**I am the law** : ben where is he

**Gravy** : in his room

**Noodle** : BEN!!!1!!

**I am the law** : get McFreakin reKt

**I am the law** : im gonna get ya

**I am the law** : gonna make ya pay

**Vanya** : 5 WAIT

**I am the law** : for what

**Vanya** : how did Klaus move the fridge??

**Vanya** : he has noodle arms

**Allison** : right! And how did he make the books turn corners???

**Noodle** : with skill

**Noodle** : ok not with skill

**Noodle** : 5 jumped into my room and now hes ThreAtEniNg mE

**Noodle** : the truth is…

**I am the law** : SPIT IT OUT

**Noodle** : i leveled up

**Noodle** : got enough xp

**Noodle** : evolved like a pokemon

**Noodle** : unlocked new skills and abilities

**Noodle** : beat the boss level

**Stabby McStabface** : hey what the fuck

**Gravy** : what he’s TRYING to say is he got new powers

**I am the law** : holy shit

**Storng** : that’s great Klaus! What kind of powers?

**Allison** : woah!! That’s awesome! What are thay

**Noodle** : telekinesis

**Noodle** : and also I’ve died a couple of times so i dint think i can do that

**Vanya** : YOUVE DIED?!?!?!?

**Noodle** : talk later

**Noodle** : but its just basic levitation and stuff like that

**Stabby McStabface** : are you happy about that?

**Noodle** : I Am Ecxited

**Stabby McStabface** : than were happy for u

**Stabby McStabface** : also why is my name still like that

**Stabby McStabface** has changed their name to *stabs you*

_*stabs you* has changed Storng’s name to Hairy baby_

_*stabs you* has changed Allison’s name to My mango is to blo up_

**My mango is to blo up** : AND THEN ACT LIKE I DONT KNOW NOBODY

**My mango is to blo up** : agagagaagaggaaggaga

_*stabs you* has changed Noodle’s name to Wanda Maximoff_

_*stabs you* has changed I am the law’s name to Gremlin_

**Gremlin** : thats fair

_*stabs you* has changed Gravy’s name to King Boo_

_*stabs you* has changed Vanya’s name to Braincell_

**King Boo** : i love these

**Gremlin** : ok #4 now get to the living room and show us things

**Wanda Maximoff** : what kind of things? ;)

**Gremlin** : FAMILY FRIENDLY THINGS

**Wanda Maximoff** : ok fine be that way

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me ideas on new names!


	12. XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So apparently time uh goes? And I thoughts I updated this and then I saw that I hadnt and I’m sorry! But uh. I hope you like this one?

**Gremlin** : ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ GIVE LOVE

 

**my mango is to blo up** : five i love you

 

**King Boo** : you’re my favourite brother

 

***stabs you*** : you are so fucking important to us 5

 

**Wanda Maximoff** : I love and support you

 

**Hairy baby** : you’re the best of us

 

**Brain cell** : i trust you with my life ilysm you’re incredible

 

**Gremlin** : ༼ つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ GOT LOVE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smile!!! Right now! I dare you!! It’s an order!! Do it!!


End file.
